How to make this decision?

[confused]

Hi. I live in Southern Ontario and am pregnant and am thinking adoption is the way to go. I have looked at the list of parents on the parent registry. I think so many sound like they would be wonderful parents and families. How do you pick a family? I don't know how to choose one.

[Shelley]

Hi "Confused"

I recall all too well how overwhelming that decision can be. There is no right or wrong way to pick a family. If you asked 100 birth mom's why or how they chose the couple they did, they would likely almost all have different answers for you.

Here are some things that you may want to think about:

What is important to you? Do you have certain values that you wish to share with the couple you choose?

Do you want an open adoption and if so and you want visits, you may wish to consider how close you live to each other. You likely will want them close enough that it's not a big time or money issue, for you to get to them or vice versa. I know I originally chose a couple who lived in another province. Later that was changed and I found a couple who is about an hour from my home. As painful as that was at the time, I have been thankful ever since as I have seen my son and his family regularly rather than only a few times. I know in the end I also decided one family was too close, as we lived in the same city. You have to decide what is too close or too far for you. Also, if you want an open adoption, what's their definition of open and what's yours? Find out up front if this is important to you. Don't make assumptions. Women who I know who made assumptions are often disappointed.

If you do want an open adoption, you can't really know someone's personality based just on a profile and home study. You may wish to meet and see if you click in person.

Do you have common interests and are they things that you hope will one day be important to your child? I hear it's quite common for families to be chosen based on similar interests. For example, if you love to ski and hope your child someday loves to ski, you may pick a family that shares that interest. Of course skiing is only an example. I wasn't thinking along these lines when I made my decision and unfortunately my son's parents and I don't have a lot in common other then our love for our child and some common values.

Do you want your child to have an older sibling or do you want your child to be the first or an only child? There is no way to know if a couple will go on to have or adopt other children. This is an individual choice. I know for me, I wanted to make some couple's dream of having a child, when they may not ever otherwise become parents, come true. So I chose a couple who didn't already have children. (I am pleased they have went on to have more...twins!) I have a friend who chose a couple who already had a child as she wanted to ensure her child had a sibling. Two different choices for different reasons...what feels right to you?

Is the couples, race, religion, heritage, etc important to you?

Do you want city or country dwellers? Does it matter?

Do their occupations mean anything to you? Or will one parent be a stay at home parent and is this important to you?

Is there anything special you are looking for in the extended adoptive family? Do you want a family that has extended family near by or that are really involved?

Did someone make you laugh? Or connect with you in any other way? I recall a profile of a couple I really wanted to meet because their profile repeatedly made me laugh, at a time when I was really depressed. Unfortunately someone chose them before I could. Often times families are chosen because something in their profile connects with the women who chose them. Do any of the profiles seem to keep drawing you back? Are there any you want to know more about? You don't have to make your decision based only on a profile. I know once I had a few families selected I wanted to know more about that I got to read their home studies which gave me more information about them. You may also contact them or their social workers and ask about things you specifically want to know. You may even wish to meet a few couples in person and then make your decision.

Just so you know, not all adoption professionals work the same way. When I was trying to pick a family, I didn't have their contact info like you do. So I couldn't just call them up or email them. I had decided on two couples and then couldn't pick one so I wanted to meet them both and then decide. The adoption professional that I worked with wouldn't allow this to happen and I had to pick based only on what was on paper. That's the great thing about the internet, you have the choice to contact couples yourself and get some feedback from them (at least in ON) before you make a decision. I later came to find out that there are many adoption professionals who will not only allow you to meet more than one couple but will encourage it. That's just some information that I wish I had known when I needed it.

I wish you well with your decision, whether you place your baby for adoption or not. If you have any further questions, feel free to ask and I am sure someone will be happy to share with you.

[confused]

Shelley, thank you for your reply. That list has helped me to think of some other things that are important to me. You are correct that there are two couples on the registry that keep drawing me back. I keep reading their profiles over and over and they both sound like good people. It is a difficult decision.

If people are on the registry do they really want us to contact them directly or would they prefer I contact their social wokrer? Can any adoptive parents answer this for me? It would be good to talk to the couple themselves. This is exciting and yet scary.

[mamma2nico]

Hi "Confused"

First let me start by saying that I wish you all the best with your decision. It is a difficult decision and naturally you want the best for your child, so finding out as much information as you can is understandable. As an adoptive mom, and a potential adoptive couple on the registry, I would have to say that if a potential birthmother was interested in us and wanted to find out more then I would have no problem being contacted directly to answer any questions.

Hope this helps!

[maddyhopeful]

Dear Confused,

Anyone who has listed their contact information is more than hoping I am sure that someone like you will contact them directly one day. Shelley has provided some great reference points for you to start with in regards to making the choice as to who might be a good couple to go with. And maybe the phone conversations will help you find the right match.

Good luck to you, and all the best.
Maddy

[confused]

Thank you for the replies. I am trying to put together a list of things I want to know so when I call or email, I know what I want to say. Thanks again.

Shelley, how old is your child? How long ago did you do this?

[Shelley]

This is exciting and yet scary.

I bet that's the case for any hopeful adoptive parents as well. I know my son's parents felt that way when they first met me. I also have many adoptive parents as friends and believe me, they are just as nervous as you may be. Personally, I wasn't nervous to meet them, just excited and ready to move forward and build a relationship with them.

The son that I placed for adoption is now 4 and a half years old. November 2nd will be 5 yrs ago that I met his parents for the first time. He started JK in Sept. My elder son, whom I raised will be 20 this month.

[Jen]

Thanks so much for this morning Shelley. You are right this is a helpful list Mom and I will be talking about this stuff tonight.

[Shelley]

You are most welcome, Jen. Good luck. If you like, feel free to email me personally rather than comment publically here. See the Contact AC button on the main Adoption Connections site. (I don't want to post the email address here as then the spam will start.)
http://adoptionconnections.ca/contact.htm